How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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