I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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