The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
