Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
