someone threw a dead crab at me
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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