They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
