My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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