meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
