hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
