just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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