Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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