You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
