Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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