Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
