when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
