Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
