Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
