Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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