I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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