i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Randomize
