nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
