"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
