I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
