dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
