I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
