you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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