Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
