ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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