Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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