FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
