Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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