saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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