I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
