yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
