I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
