well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
