Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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