Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
