remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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