I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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