she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
