i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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