Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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