I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
