if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
