dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
