I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
