Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
