my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
