the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
