so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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