So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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