my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
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