I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
