everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
