4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
