it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
